I relate a lot to what you're saying, I used to say I had different "modes." Masking is what made me ignore my need to change modes. Whenever I'm in one mode, I set up expectations for myself that I refuse to abandon. A lot of that has to do with social expectations. I admire your ability and freedom to just switch and not worry about it.
I’ve pretty much disengaged from the external world where I can, which makes mode switching easier. I still have my day job, but my company is remote and I work from home. So I have pretty minimal accountability put on me from the outside when it comes to my special interests and to socializing. Is that necessarily a good thing? I’m not sure. But it does leave me a lot freer to take the changes in stride.
I do sometimes wish I had more community around the things I do but knowing myself, I would drop the community when my interests change. And that’s a net negative for the community.
What about you, what kind of societal expectations are at play for you?
I try to stay as disengaged from the external world as much as I can, too, as the less exposure I have to it, the more content I seem to be. It does creep in, though.
It's not that there are people who hold me accountable, but I hold myself accountable because of internalized expectations. Like, I might refuse to abandon something because I've internalized the idea that I must finish what I've started. I also don't like the feeling of incompletion, so there's that, too. I also give myself really ambitious goals, and then become so paralyzed with anxiety that it's really tough for me to move forward, even in really modest ways.
Why would it be a net negative for the community if you leave once your interests change? Unless you mean a small-tight-knit group, then I can see what you mean. Also, couldn't you go back once your interests changed back?
My instinct is that it’s somewhat exploitative to drop in and out of a community according to my whim, but maybe that’s me internalizing expectations that aren’t necessarily there? Your question is a good one. I haven’t really interrogated this. I do know that I feel some guilt around disappearing, when that impacts people and relationships. So maybe it’s that.
I can understand that, especially if people are checking in and wondering what happened to you, but maybe you could set up the expectation that you will disappear at some point. Anyway, I'm glad you're here now, and if you disappear, again, I'll understand.
Holy @#$&. Marta's experience of rabbit-holing is not just conceptually similar to what I experience. Some of it is identical. How they started with clothes-making and spiraled outward, obsessively watching Youtubes about craft, even Sashiko. We've probably watched the same Youtubes! Thanks so much for introducing me to this publication, Hanna! I've never encountered it before. Wow.
And thank you for reading and commenting! Good to see you. :)
Exactly that! It’s such a strange thing even as it’s been my norm throughout life. Given that, I’m not sure why I recognize it as strange. Maybe because the popular conception of people is that there’s a core personality and way of being that stays consistent throughout life. My experience doesn’t line up with that.
I relate a lot to what you're saying, I used to say I had different "modes." Masking is what made me ignore my need to change modes. Whenever I'm in one mode, I set up expectations for myself that I refuse to abandon. A lot of that has to do with social expectations. I admire your ability and freedom to just switch and not worry about it.
I’ve pretty much disengaged from the external world where I can, which makes mode switching easier. I still have my day job, but my company is remote and I work from home. So I have pretty minimal accountability put on me from the outside when it comes to my special interests and to socializing. Is that necessarily a good thing? I’m not sure. But it does leave me a lot freer to take the changes in stride.
I do sometimes wish I had more community around the things I do but knowing myself, I would drop the community when my interests change. And that’s a net negative for the community.
What about you, what kind of societal expectations are at play for you?
I try to stay as disengaged from the external world as much as I can, too, as the less exposure I have to it, the more content I seem to be. It does creep in, though.
It's not that there are people who hold me accountable, but I hold myself accountable because of internalized expectations. Like, I might refuse to abandon something because I've internalized the idea that I must finish what I've started. I also don't like the feeling of incompletion, so there's that, too. I also give myself really ambitious goals, and then become so paralyzed with anxiety that it's really tough for me to move forward, even in really modest ways.
Why would it be a net negative for the community if you leave once your interests change? Unless you mean a small-tight-knit group, then I can see what you mean. Also, couldn't you go back once your interests changed back?
My instinct is that it’s somewhat exploitative to drop in and out of a community according to my whim, but maybe that’s me internalizing expectations that aren’t necessarily there? Your question is a good one. I haven’t really interrogated this. I do know that I feel some guilt around disappearing, when that impacts people and relationships. So maybe it’s that.
I can understand that, especially if people are checking in and wondering what happened to you, but maybe you could set up the expectation that you will disappear at some point. Anyway, I'm glad you're here now, and if you disappear, again, I'll understand.
Thanks, Amy!
Hi! I’m so glad you’re back in the writing wing but also so happy you got to spend time in the making wing. It sounded like a fun place.
This made me think of another essay in the Spiral Lab Magazine where Marta writes about not wanting to write anymore but crochet and make clothing:
https://thespirallab.substack.com/p/chaos?utm_source=post-banner&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=posts-open-in-app&triedRedirect=true
Holy @#$&. Marta's experience of rabbit-holing is not just conceptually similar to what I experience. Some of it is identical. How they started with clothes-making and spiraled outward, obsessively watching Youtubes about craft, even Sashiko. We've probably watched the same Youtubes! Thanks so much for introducing me to this publication, Hanna! I've never encountered it before. Wow.
And thank you for reading and commenting! Good to see you. :)
“That don’t really have a bridge between them”
Exactly that! It’s such a strange thing even as it’s been my norm throughout life. Given that, I’m not sure why I recognize it as strange. Maybe because the popular conception of people is that there’s a core personality and way of being that stays consistent throughout life. My experience doesn’t line up with that.